I find myself competing with myself. Like, I want to see how long I can go without eating and while being hungry. I see if I can eat less calories than the day before. I still eat healthy food-which is a step in the right direction-but for two days I have avoided my chia seed and yogurt regimen on the sole basis of not wanting to eat anymore calories despite the fact that I was able to eat them. My restrictions are placed on me. I chose to count calories. No one tells me that I eat too much. I just feel like I must eat too much because I am fat. Fat people eat too much, right? Wrong. It is a stereotype I try so hard to get people to ignore yet when it comes to myself I believe it whole-hardheartedly. Just like fat people are lazy. I exercise every day. Still-I feel lazy. I must be lazy, as I am fat. NO. Johanna, you aren't lazy. Johanna, you don't eat too much. Stop this.
But I cannot tell what hunger is. I am not avoiding eating more while being actively hungry, which is good. My doctor told me to eat if I am hungry. But the issue is, I don't know when I am hungry. I eat the meals that I preordained to be consumed that morning when I planned my daily food. I don't understand the feeling of hunger anymore. I eat when I think I should. Sometimes when I think I am hungry I am really just tired or thirsty, right? I really don't know.
I then start wondering why I am this way. Normal people aren't this way are they? Why am I so preoccupied by this? Well, I can think of a few reasons why from a parental standpoint but I am an adult and am therefore responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, & mindset. I should be mature enough to figure this out, stop being weird, and move on from this. What is the deal?
Alas, I must continue the journey. Healthy mind, body, & soul.