Tuesday, May 14, 2013

What isn't in my food logs.

If you know me at all you know that I used to have an eating disorder. I still struggle with it. Daily. I had a bad day today and I tend to avoid food when depressed. I ate enough today. Even if it was forced.

But, I bought a scale yesterday. I bought a scale that I am absolutely terrified of. I bought a scale that I have already started obsessing over and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. I remember when I was 16 and I was dieting for the first time. My starting weight was 192 pounds. In 3 months I weighed less than 125. Weight just fell off. I felt fat and disgusting. That is the problem.

Right now I am trying to reshape thought. I am trying to convince myself that perfection isn't the goal, health is. I am trying to deal with the fact that no matter what I will never be perfect. I have to accept that NOW. I have to like myself now. Otherwise, when I do weigh my 'goal' weight it won't be enough. And then it will never be enough. Just like it wasn't ever enough when I was 16. How do I start thinking that I am pretty? I have always been so honest with myself. How do I lie to myself? And if it isn't a lie, how do I inherently convince myself that this 'lie' is indeed a 'truth?'

I weighed myself today. I lost two pounds since yesterday. That is pretty good. I am terrified every time I step on that scale. I step on it over and over to make sure it is telling the truth. I stepped on it twice today. Both times it read 244.0. On September 28th, 2012 I weighed 275 pounds. Most people would be happy about this but I live in fear that one day I will step on this scale and the number will go up. I don't care if it is that time of the month, or if I have water weight, or any of that. I want that number to decrease. It needs to decrease every time I step on it until I weigh 140 pounds. That is 104 pounds away. I step on the scale to make sure that number isn't increasing. I step on that scale to make sure I am going down.

I have to figure this out. I really want to be healthy but I have an obsessive personality. I am consulting a doctor and I am being healthy but my mind isn't healthy. I am working on it.

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